My predictable cycle of emotional dysregulation.
Sep 4, 2024
Intro
I have noticed a pattern in my emotional cycle. I have predictable periods of highs and lows which I understand the reasons behind. Even then, I never see it coming until I'm deep in my lows. By that time it's too late to prevent a further steep decline into emotional despair. Trying to rationalise my way out of distress doesn't always help. So unfortunately constantly over-analysing my state just adds to my burnout.
The Obvious
I was diagnosed with Depression and Anxiety 3 years ago. It is something that was neglected since my childhood. That's years and years of unmanaged emotional dysregulation. I've lived with at least a decade of unmanaged physiological and emotional distress, which my mind and body have fought to survive. This is what my body feels is normal. Sometimes I feel a tiny sense of comfort in distress and sometimes periods of health feel too suspicious, leading to rumination, leading back to distress.
The Formative
I grew up with constant exposure to stressful events. My childhood in itself was a stressful event. There was no room to experience a full range of emotions freely. No room to express my needs and no room for my needs to be met. A valley of eggshells I could only tiptoe over with a mask that was hard to breathe through. Growing up with the constant demand to suppress any feelings of distress has led to feelings of shame in feeling 'negative emotions'. I disguised these 'negative emotions' to survive, and now I can barely recognize them. Whenever I get feelings of distress, it leads to a lot of confusion. I need to feel them, but my mind is also trying to fight against them to protect me. When I do recognize them, it feels as though I have no right to feel that way. "Am I being ungrateful?" "It's my victim complex again". Because I don't feel worthy of these emotions, I find it hard to trust that anyone else would understand. I isolate myself into my internal world of rumination. And the cycle continues.
The Undiagnosed
Some of my experiences may have been traumatic especially because I was neurodivergent. From my lack of self-understanding, external invalidation, amplified by untailored demands. I missed out on years of understanding myself and being understood through the lens of neurodivergence. I have only recently started understanding why my body and mind react the way they do to seemingly 'normal' things like public spaces, social interaction, everyday tasks and demands. I find it hard to explain because of the complex ways my neurodivergence affects my daily life, which ultimately affect my emotional well-being. One major factor is my susceptibility to stress. This is partially due to amplified processing of information in my environment. That combined with my social differences leads to me stressing about seemingly unnecessary things. I have been told that I stress myself out by overcomplicating everything. Even with how disabling being neurodivergent can be, I wouldn't be who I am if I wasn't. I will always be grateful for how my mind works.
The Monthly
I have grown to understand my body as a woman. I understand how my menstrual cycle affects my body and my mood. My depression, anxiety, AuDHD and hormonal cycle have come together to create a nice little cocktail of razzle dazzle. My symptoms amplify depending on what part of my cycle I am in. I have recognized that my symptoms especially amplify on the week leading up to my period. I become more agitated, my little bit of executive function goes out the window and I need every bit of self-parenting I can master to get myself through the day. It feels very intense, sometimes leading to feelings of hopelessness, inadequacy and worthlessness. The lack of external cause leads to even more shame and confusion, leading to the inability to adequately apply healthy coping skills.
The End (for now...)
It's very difficult to undo years of complex circumstances that shaped my current state. I'm learning how to manage my emotions while empathizing with those in my life whose failure to do so have impacted me immensely. I wish it was easy and I wish I had all the tools I need to my disposal. I can only do the best I can with what I have.