Intro

I have become too aware of the evil that's happening all around the world. I am anxious all the time and I cannot relax and enjoy each day as it comes. I walk around with a sense of impending doom all the time. Every day feels like my last in the worst way possible. There are a lot of things that have contributed to my anxiety, some being: personal experience, my fear of unpredictability and the big old internet.

Personal experience

As a person in a very big world, I have experienced some atrocities at the hands of other people. I have experienced these in safe places, with people I trusted and even with precautions in place. Nothing could have prepared me for any of the incidents unless, of course, the ability to see into the future. These incidents would happen after I let my guard down. The few times I wasn't overthinking, or tired, living in the moment and I wasn't hypervigilant. And what did that teach me? If my heart rate is not constantly up, and if I am not constantly suspicious of my surroundings, then anything could happen to me at any time. Will constant anxiety help me in my time of need? Probably not.

Unpredictability: You Never Know What Anyone Else Is Planning

I have read too many stories of unassuming victims. Terrible things have happened to people just going about their normal day, doing their normal activities, in normal places. Robberies in broad daylight, assaults in public spaces, murders plotted against friends and family members, civilians shot outside a corner store and home break-ins. You think you're safe, but maybe you're not, because you don't know what harm the person next to you might be planning. Maybe I'm paranoid. I don't walk around assuming that everyone is trying to hurt me, I am just too aware of how I will never know. If something does happen to me, I will never see it coming, just like all the people before me.

Something I also think about a lot when it comes to stranger attacks is that there is no special reason it had to be that specific victim. It was either convenient enough, or they showed up there by mistake. So it could have literally been anyone else. It is sometimes just down to luck. How much longer can I survive on luck?

The Internet (Mostly Social Media)

Social media is very good at riling people up (aka: rage bating). The algorithms are also good at targeting What would we argue about in the comments if we were all positive? I see a lot of negative on my accounts. Each one different, but all very depressing.

Instagram

With the current state of humanitarian crimes happening, there has been a collective effort to raise awareness from a lot of people all around the world. Because of this, I come across a lot of information and graphic imagery portraying human suffering. Everyday, for most of the time I am on Instagram, I see the results of war crimes, death, martyrs, erased family generations, displaced children, dead bodies and a lot of blood. Although I will never know the pain of being victimized in this way, or know just how horrifying it is to stand where the people suffering these crimes are, the constant supply of knowledge on the suffering of other human beings does have an impact on a person. You see it happen, you know just how bad it is, but you also know that there is nothing you as an individual could possibly do to stop it. Imagining over and over and over again the pain and suffering of other human beings. Individual effort does matter, but it is dependent on the collective. So realistically, unless you're the person in charge, you physically cannot put an end to anything. Individually, you may have Boycotted companies, donated, begged your governments, sent letters, made videos for awareness, but not much seems to have changed. It is terrifying and disheartening.

Twitter (aka X)

I do not use Twitter that much. I don't understand it much. When I'm there, it's usually for some Tom and Zendaya love, and some side meaningless gossip. But...

South African men are scary. On the topic of South African men Atrocities we have: GBV, Sexual Violence and femicide alongside all of their apologists. I have seen the statistics, but I could not imagine that the averaged guy on the street would have the kind of mindset that contributes to those statistics. The kinds of behaviors South African men have defended is so hard to believe. The victim blaming is disgusting. Their excuses for certain behaviors tells me that they either would or already have exhibited those behaviors. Maybe you're playing Devil's Advocate because you've been in his shoes. I am always wondering how many men around me have the same mindset. What aspect about me would justify turning me into an object?

Tiktok: The Baiter of All Baiters

Have you seen this format before? Sad music playing, slide show of a young lively person, caption saying something like "you deserved better". You go into the comments to understand what is happening but everyone is asking the same question: "what happened to her?". You come across a few: "How does everyone not know about the X case?". You go to the hashtag, and now you're horrified. Next post, a slideshow with 10 response screenshots: "What is the most horrifying thing you have very witnessed?". Next post, a Minecraft Reddit story: "What is your darkest secret that would land you in jail?". Stay tuned for part 2. Horrific.

If most of what I see portrays a certain trend of events, then it creates a perception that something happens much more than it actually does.

YouTube: I'm not even gonna dive in

True crime. 3 hour graphic descriptions of the most devastating stories back-to-back-to-back. But as a woman, I am definitely the target audience.

The Problem

It has become very hard to do anything freely. I have responsibilities that require me to leave the comfort and safety of my room, so I do everything scared. And plot twist? I don't even feel safe in my own spaces either. I feel anxious no matter where I am. I always feel like something very horrible is about to happen to me. My reality is a bit distorted. Even though I'm aware of it, I can't help but feel anxious. I recognize the effect of social media on my mental wellbeing, but I also find it hard to control my social media use. So I'm currently stuck in a cycle of inducing some anxiety juice. I am not functioning optimally. My body always feels like a sentient ball of acid plummeting quickly to its death, except the fall restarts every time it's about to hit he ground. 

What now?

I want to try some methods to help me stay regulated. Having so much access to so much information at all times is not good for me, so I want to limit that access. Simple things like just putting my phone away, or using the regular built in screentime feature on my phone does not work for me. It's usually very boring, and I could end/ignore it easily. It's so much better when it is gamified. It activates my competitive side and I love the positive reinforcement and affirmations. I hope I can find an app that does that and works well for me. I am trying out Opal. I saw an ad about it on Instagram and I really loved the silly little comments that pop up when you try to open a locked app.

I'm hoping that less access to harmful information will reduce my heightened sense danger. 

Conclusion

I am glad that I have awareness of how things affect me. With what I know, I can take the necessary steps to make better choices and improve my well-being. Awareness can only take me so far. Hopefully when I look back on this, I will be in a much better place. Wish me luck!